Heart-crushing pain rolling through me like a wave or a tempest... burning through me like an internal comet. Through my heart. Multiple times a day. Off to the Cardiologist. To Urgent Care. EKG, Echocardiogram. Test results come in. All is well. My heart is ok.
No it's not. My heart is not ok.
My son. Doesn't have a problem with drugs. His problem is that he got caught. His resentment is towards himself....for getting caught.
He makes no mention of almost dying. No mention of being unable to quit, no mention of his vows to never use again, nothing about the lying the stealing the broken trust and broken promises and more lying...
Only that.....he needs and wants to move on with his life, make a lot of money and this time, do things differently...aka...NOT. GET. CAUGHT.
No mention of being sober. No awareness that his life is on the edge of a precipice...
I form words through the tears.....
"But, you could've died. Any day. Every day... you could've died. You were playing Russian Roulette with your precious life. Please. Understand this."
And he says to me, he actually says to me, "you've been reading the wrong websites. I did my research. Those drugs aren't as dangerous as you think."
Wait. What. I can't wrap my head around this. I can't process this. I can't bring this reality into my bones. I can't believe believe believe he is saying these things. I must be watching a movie.
"For God's sake, we almost lost you," I say and I envision an empty room, an empty life, my empty heart. Gone.
And so then I go on tilt and decide that only way I can comprehend what he's saying is to decide he is living on another plane, he's taken residence in another version of reality -- the reality where I can't touch him, know him, reason with him...the reality where he doesn't have a problem and all the people, the dozens of people that have come into his life scared, concerned, willing and ready to listen, to talk, to coach, to sponsor, to help him move forward and break out of this cycle.....are .....what?
Getting in his way?
Everyone around him who loves him is getting in his way?
It's them, not him. It's them. His problem is not the drugs he takes and the chaos he brings, but those souls outside of him holding him back from reaching his potential. From succeeding, from making music and making millions.
Has he learned nothing? Zero? Less than nothing?? Has he been awake for the past 3 years, during detoxes, rehabs, celebrations, and relapses? Is he unable to see the pattern, the cycle, the continuum of his own shame, pain and struggle?
And now I just sit and wait....Waiting waiting waiting. Waiting for him to realize he needs help. Waiting for him to realize he's NOT fine, and waiting for him to step back and SEE his life with different lenses.
But he cannot. He will not. I listen to him, incredulous. He is a broken record. How can I see so clearly what he doesn't? How can the world around him see what he doesn't? He holds on, hard and fast, with tunnel vision, desperation, determination...to the exact same things that got him where he is now. He scrambles to get back into the maze, wearing a blindfold, following his instincts which don't conform to any version of reality. Why? Why? Because that's what he knows? What have I done? I know, I know, it's not me at all. I know I know, that is not what we moms are supposed to say.
Is there hope? Can he break his own cycle?
What do I do?
Love him from the core of my aching heart.
Can I live through this pain, these unknowns, this desperate dance between reality and non-reality?